July 1, 2008
How To Choose A Marriage Partner
In these times where passions seem to rule our hearts in decisions such as these, and we have the matching divorce statistics to show how we often go the wrong way about choosing our life partner, or spouse, I thought this may be helpful to some of my readers.
Therefore, said the Puritans, in choosing a spouse one should look, not necessarily for one whom one does love, here and now, in Rogers’ heart-pitched sense (such a person, if found, might still not be a suitable candidate for a life partnership), but for one whom one can love with steady affection on a permanent basis. Loving actions of all sorts, including physical mating, will ripen and deepen this affection, and lead to a warmth of conjugal love.
How should a character estimate be made? The wise way to form an opinion about possible partners is to find out their reputation, watch how they act in company, how they dress and talk, and note whom they select as friends. (‘The report, the looks, the speech, the apparel, and the companions … are like the pulses that show whether we be well or ill’—Henry Smith.27 ‘Choose such a companion for thy life as hath chosen company like thee before’—Robert Cleaver.2
For a realistic assessment, couples wondering about matrimony need ‘to see each other eating and walking, working and playing, talking and laughing and chiding too; or else it may be, the one shall have with the other lesse than he or she looked for, or more than they wished for.’29 Other things being equal, partners should be of similar age, social position, wealth, and intellectual ability, and should have secured their parents’ goodwill towards the match. Also, they should be able to see that an affectional bond is growing between them, based on the conviction that God has given them to each other to glorify him by their mutual love and service. The good sense of all this is obvious, and calls for no comment save that this careful, prayerful blending of human and divine wisdom, seeking the will of God through discernment of personal and circumstantial fitness in all its relevant forms, was the mark of Puritan decision-making in all matters of importance across the board. Packer, J. I. (1994). A quest for godliness : The Puritan vision of the Christian life (268). Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway Books.
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